Taylor Swift and the Significance of ‘Red’

By Alicia Lutes (Hollywood): America’s favorite star-spangled, perma-surprised, apple pie-scented Kewpie Doll, Taylor Swift has put out a new single titled “Red.” Let me tell you something, guys, it is like, so totally different from her last song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” as there is nary a “weeeeeee!” to be found.

Alright, so the song is about I guess as different as so-unlucky-in-love-golly-gosh Taylor is prone to get: meaning, it’s definitely still autobiographically about some boy that broke her heart. But after reading through her Glamour Magazine interview, it is only logical to deduce that something is going on with Swifty Loo Who, and we need to figure it out. For the good of America and its love of its sweethearts.

After extensive research involving a near cavalcade of scientists (also known as me, myself, and this poster of Little Edie I have up in my bedroom office), we’ve narrowed down the potential diagnoses to four. And it’s up to you to help us figure out what in the world is going on with Taylor Swift.

But first thing’s first! We must all understand what we’re dealing with here, so tune into the song. Lyrics (for your assistance) are provided within the video: