Sherlyn Chopraji, after prancing around nangu-pangu for the pleasure of 87-year-old Hugh Hefner, and playing naughty bunny on his centre spreads, has returned to India and found gainful employment. Who else in India but our TV honchos would have the sort of respect that her impressive credentials and vitals deserve?
So, Ms Chopra joined MTV Splitsvilla, to stand beside Nikhil Chinappa and be ready to slither out of her briefs when the going gets dull.
Abhi tak toh the Season 6 of Splitsvilla: Hot as Hell is going great. So Ms Chopraji has not really been pressed into service, except when she has to demonstrate tasks at hand to the contestants. Like recently, when she got into some nanne-munne bachchon ke kapde and started slithering around in a cage, swinging seductively on a sawan ka jhula.
Chopraji ki demo dekh kar boys’ tongues suddenly went dry and they started huffing and puffing like doggies. The girl contestants, who seemed mildly impressed, were probably thinking, “Haan, aunty has maintained herself achche-se.”
But Chopraji is not the star of this show. She walks and talks like a behenji when she’s not pouting to the gods and doing hai-I’m-so-sexy number. There are far better cretins on the show to keep us occupied.
Aapko show ka format toh pata hai na? Eight boys, mostly with big dole-shole and tiny brain cells, and eight girls with a very limited vocabulary and a wardrobe that fits nicely into a shoe box, arrive to spit, backstab, run over and assault others and generally humiliate themselves. The ones who can take sabse zayada abuse and still keep smiling win the contest. Oh, ya, there are some nonsensical obstacle courses as well, where they have to slap, drag, pull down and hit the other contestants.
Splitsvilla is narcissism ka mela where contestants arrive spouting the corniest lines. Here are some samples:
“I’m here on Splitsvilla because I’m bringing sexy back to the show.”
One boy is so in love with his own body that when asked to impress the girl he started licking and smooching his own biceps. Muah, muah he went, kissing all his bulging balloons.
Some girls arrive threatening others not to take panga with them, others promise that they will bajao sab ka band. Some declare “I’m beauty with body, beauty with brain and beauty with boldness,” but some, who are little Deepak Chopras in the making, sing calmer bhajans: “Be the best because to get the best you have to be the best.”
Dheere, dheere, as the show progresses and contests are fought and won, sab ki aukat saamne aati hai.
Already, girls with the least hot legs have been marked and shamed and thrown out, but aise hi nahin. Boys put lipstick and voted with kisses. Then girls and boys were made to do striptease and the one who was able to excite his/her audience the most won.
Then, to even things out, girls were given andas to phodo on the chests of boys who have bad abs. Ek bechara toh is still staring at his chest for traces of muscles.
You know, yeh show dekh ke I’ve been thinking that I’m going to start a training school to coach all MTV aspirants. I’ll call it, Hamam Mein Sab Nange.
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